Nihil Obstat

Rhyme, But No Reason, To Bishop’s Donation

The little ditty below by E.J. Montini appeared in The Arizona Republic in response to a $50,000 donation by the Most Reverend Thomas J. Olmsted, Bishop of Phoenix, Arizona, to the anti-gay marriage campaign in Maine.

A reader had a sad refrain

But did not wish to write it plain.

And so with Seuss-like zeal did deign

To craft a query in quatrain.

He (or she) wrote:

“Mr. Montini, could you explain,

“Is the Phoenix Catholic Diocese insane?

“While poor folks here are full of pain

“Our church sends 50 grand to Maine?”

My response:

Yes, Bishop Olmstead did ordain

That he would help his friends in Maine

Who needed money to maintain

Their anti-married gays campaign.

In Maine a state law did proclaim

That any Dwight could marry Dwayne.

The church held this view in disdain

And sought the old laws to retain.

To win that vote they had to gain

Some riders on their money train.

Our bishop from his vast domain

With cash did shower them like rain.

Fifty thousand dollars came

From Phoenix all the way to Maine.

And helped the churches in their aim

To bring the old rules back again.

Meantime, OUR state is full of pain.

The governor has made it plain.

State services we can’t maintain.

The budget crisis is to blame.

While politicians play their game

The poor are going down the drain.

They need assistance that’s humane

Their meager lifestyle to sustain.

By sending money off to Maine

The bishop seems to make the claim

That poor folks here eat quiche Lorraine

And wash it down with fine champagne.

What does Phoenix have to gain

From shipping 50 grand to Maine?

Can one stake a moral claim

When politics is made to reign?

Politicians are the bane

Of everything that’s good and sane.

Do not Christians in the main

Avoid the secular and vain?

It seems a little inhumane,

Less like Abel, more like Cain,

To send money with the aim

Of changing policy in Maine.

But bishops like old monarchs reign,

Each one a little Charlemagne.

Parishioners cannot constrain

Their spending habits or terrain.

A reader can to me complain

With four lines meant to entertain.

And I can rack my little brain

To rhyme her back in the same vein.

But rhyming doesn’t change the game.

And rhymers cannot be profane.

The bishop here sent cash to Maine.

All we can say is, that’s a shame.

– Thanks to Voice of the Faithful for this little gem.