Posted in category "Humor"
Baseball stadiums are like cathedrals.
Storied, full of memorable events, they are also the scene of private moments of anguish and fierce joy. The interiors–the smells, the sounds, the surroundings–are immediately recognizable and familiar. You have your favorite place to sit. 
There are as many people praying, beseeching, pleading, bargaining, smugly satisfied or silently willing a miracle as you’d find in any pew. Most of all, it is a place of community–solidarity and belonging.
One of the grandest baseball cathedrals of all–Yankee Stadium–played its last game this past Sunday. A number of New York City celebrities, some Yankee fans, some not, were asked to comment on its closing.
Pete Hamill, an author and Brooklyn Dodgers fan, had this to say:
First visit: “In 1948. When Babe Ruth died. I was 13 and like all good Brooklynites, I hated the Yankees. My younger brother Tom and I traveled all the way to El Bronx, where the Babe was being waked in the Rotunda. We had a nearly theological debate before going, since it was like visiting another church. An act of betrayal. Almost as bad as turning Episcopalian.” 
“But we convinced ourselves that since the Babe had been with the Dodgers as a coach for a season in the 1930s, we would mourn Babe the Dodger. And so we did. We kept our purity by saying a prayer at the coffin, glancing into the green patch of th imperious park, and refusing to enter.”
“The Jesuits later explained to me that I was exhibiting what purists called ‘an elastic conscience.’”
In her new book, Being Catholic Now, Kerry Kennedy interviewed famous Catholics from far left to far right; including Susan Saradon, Martin Sheen, Bill O’Reilly, speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi, Gabriel Byrne, Dan Aykroyd and Bill Maher. “I was struck by their raw honesty,” Kennedy said. 
She cried when Byrne told her his story about being abused by a priest as a boy, and spotting the abuser at a football game decades later. “I called him and asked if he remembered me,” said the actor. “He said,”No’– He didn’t make the connection, but I, of course, did.” Byrne blames the vows of celibacy, “which I regard as a sin against human life.”
Susan Saradon strikes a lighter note with a story of praying with rosary beads at age seven and not knowing they were glow in the dark. “I looked down and they were glowing and I thought, “Oh, my God, I’m about to have a vision! The Blessed Virgin is about to come in the door!”
Church officials have not yet seen the book, but a spokeswoman for the US Conference of Catholic Bishops, Sister Mary Ann Walsh, said in response to a description of the book, “A lot of Catholics are having lovers’ quarrels with the church.”
The Deacon’s Bench has a good post on this story.
Kerry Kennedy will discuss the book during a program at the Museum of the City of New York on Wednesday, October 22nd at 6:30 pm. 
Cartoons are wonderful venues for religious satire. One of the best is Slap Upside the Head by “Mark,” a 28-year-old Canadian.
Mark’s August 20th post was about a story reported by LifeSite, conservative website that oozes sex in the same type of sensational reporting as the average supermarket tabloid.
One of their recent stories had all the elements guaranteed to whip their readers up into a frenzy: sexual perversion and demonic possession!
The article quoted an English Roman Catholic priest who is also a self-styled exorcist. He completed a 4 month course of training offered at the Vatican (details were a little fuzzy).
“Promiscuity, as well as homosexuality and pornography, says 73 year old Fr. Jeremy Davis, is a form of sexual perversion and can lead to demonic possession. Offering what may be an explanation for the explosion of homosexuality in recent years, Fr. Davis said, ‘Among the causes of homosexuality is a contagious demonic factor.’”
“Fr. Davis’ comments come in conjunction with the publication of his new book, Exorcism: Understanding Exorcism in Scripture and Practice published earlier this year by the Catholic Truth Society (CTS).”
“He also said that Satan is responsible for having blinded most secular humanists to the ‘dehumanising effects of contraception and abortion and IVF, of homosexual ‘marriages’, of human cloning and the vivisection of human embryos in scientific research.”
“Fr. Davis also warns in his book against so-called New Age and occult practices, as well as trendy exercise and ’spiritual healing’ regimens derived from eastern religions.”
“‘The thin end of the wedge (soft drugs, yoga for relaxation, horoscopes just for fun and so on) is more dangerous than the thick end because it is more deceptive–an evil spirit tries to make his entry as unobtrusively as possible.’”
These priests are so handsome and seductive I’m thinking about becoming….a gay man!
The publication of Mormons Exposed had me wondering if Catholics had anything similar…and we do! Calendario Romano publishes an annual calendar of hunky seminarians and priests at the Vatican. The calendar also includes some helpful notes of places to see and things to do while you’re there….My advice: Guys, buy the calendar AFTER church so you’re still in a state of grace for Communion. 
I may order a copy for my sister. Fr. March may be enough to get her back to church again. Fr. October, who is also the Cover priest, certainly would have been labeled “Father-What-A-Waste” when I was growing up. 
Lesbians, as usual, have some catching up to do. The publisher would probably have to go through six thousand reprints if they printed a calendar of twelve handsome sisters looking soulfully in our eyes with all kind of promises in theirs….
Just in time for World Youth Day, the casting for Calendario Romano 2009 is about to begin. Want to get boys and girls back to the Church? Hunky seminarians may be the answer. Boring homilies about following rules are not.
I’m in marketing, and after hours of crafting line after line of text for web, blogs, catalog pages and email newsletters, I need a mental break.
Sometimes, I minimize the screen and click on to Craigslist -W4W. It is always a source of discovery and entertainment.
Up until this week, the best W4W ad I ever saw on Craigslist ended with these two words: “No nuts.” Did I laugh! How many of us have met a woman we thought was an interesting possibility, only to find she was dragging so much emotional baggage ten U-Hauls couldn’t have managed it.
A few days ago I read an ad by one of the thousands of searchers who shop Craigslist every day looking for a woman who will turn them on. The women who shop Craigslist want sex. A few want it with a little class and appreciate the intellectual and emotional components of mating; others can’t be bothered with even minimal flirtation or manage an interest in getting to know the person first before jumping on them. 
Here’s a Craigslist poster whose analysis of her fellow shoppers was so witty and withering, it earned a place of honor on this site:
“I’ve been searching these ads for a while, and I find the ads fall into one of several categories. On Craigslist W4W, you can find several types of wonderful women, including:
a)THE POET: this craigslister may or may not be looking for a relationship. That is not really the point. The point is that she is a poet and she likes writing long lines of verse that make sense to her and maybe her psychiatrist. You are her captive audience. Enjoy!
b)THE FIRST-TIMER: she’s never been with a woman, but has thought about it for years (talk about extended foreplay!) or maybe just has gotten so disgusted with men she’s considering the alternative. She craves “a woman’s touch” as long as that woman is touching her ta-tas. She’s like a character from a pulp novel written in the 50s, really. You’ll either be the one to bring her out or the one to be drop-kicked to the curb the second she finds a man. Probably the latter.
c)THE MARRIED OR IN A RELATIONSHIP: She’ll have an innocent looking subject line that says “Looking for Love” so you click on–only to find her idea of love is you going down on her while hubby watches. Romance has sure changed a lot in 2008.
d)THE OVERSHARER: Long ads that go on and on about her sad life, her unemployment, her one-eyed dog, the fact that she’s on welfare, and not about what she has to bring to the table or what she’s looking for. The Oversharer might also write out a long political or philosophical manifesto, like the kind the homeless recite to you when you are on the train.
e)THE FUSSY: You must be a faggy-boi top with three earrings in each ear who likes The Smiths. And live in Williamsburg, on Bedford, specifically.
f)THE GRAPHIC: Not much in the way of writing. But come on. She’s got such a beautiful va-jay, how can you resist?
g)THE SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL: This ad asks: Wanna come to my apartment and hang out? I don’t know you from Adam but I’m sure you’ll be normal. Uh, let’s not forget this is New York City.
h)THE LOOKING FOR A TOUR GUIDE: I will be coming to New York soon. Show me where all the lesbian clubs are. I won’t pay you or make it worth your while in any way. The reward will be hanging out with me, a reward within itself.
i)THE NORMAL, or HALFWAY NORMAL: An ad that tells you a little about the poster, what she is looking for, some humor thrown in for good measure. This is the kind of ad I post and respond to.
And now, for my ad: I’m 31, Jewish, femme, brunette, average figure, enjoys movies, concerts, film. Looking for woman 26-40 who gets what I’m talking about. Normally, I write a longer ad than this, but I think I’ve written enough already.
Hate mail is also encouraged, if you disagree with my ad. Entertain me. It’s a slow weekend.”
George Carlin passed away over the weekend. He was a funny guy. I’ll miss him and his outrageousness. Bill Maher, another ex-Catholic comedian, could take a cue from him to be sharp but not slashing. It’s funnier, and even more devastating, if you really want to nail institutions and people.
Carlin’s dissembling of the “Ten Commandments” is one of the most entertaining, uplifting scriptural explanations I ever heard. I always played whenever I needed to lighten-up a deary mood, especially from bad organized religion news. Anyone who took the Bible literally–or totally respectfully–probably would pass out if they heard it.
“I Used To Be Irish Catholic” from the Class Clown album is still my favorite.
He was also “Cardinal Glick” in the comedy, Dogma. The movie is set in my old home state – New Jersey! (You know, that was a good choice!)
“This is a truly naughty book, but it is also a strangely moral one.” Talk
That was the description of Joe Eszterhas’ book, American Rhapsody, with its globs of dirty gossip about Hollywood celebrities and the Clinton presidency, including the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
But the point isn’t about the book, its about the writer. It seems to me, that many times the person who leads an envied sex life, has all kinds of colorful exploits, drinks, smokes, ingests, lives life like a wild man or woman, ends up with religion. Look at St. Augustine. Or, a person who makes a living writing about these people. Look at Anne Rice.
Joe Eszterhas has written screenplays for 16 films that have made more than a billion dollars at the box office. Among them are Basic Instinct, Flashdance and Showgirls.
A former editor at Rolling Stone, he is the author of six books, including American Rhapsody, Hollywood Animal and Charlie Simpson’s Apocalypse, which was nominated for the National Book Award.
Joe Eszterhas looks like his reputation. Thick, grizzled mane of hair, biker brawler face, ex-boozer–my father would have called him, “a man’s man.” 
Eszterhas left Hollywood and returned to the home of his youth–Ohio. He lives with his second wife, Naomi, and their four sons just east of Cleveland.
He has just finished a book about himself and his relationship with Jesus, called Crossbearer. The title refers to himself, not Jesus; Eszterhas carries the cross at Mass at his church.
He came close to dying from his additions to drinking and smoking. The contracted cancer, struggled with a tracheotomy. He had an epiphany. It is this transformation that he describes in his new book, along with differing on what he sees as the church’s “wimpification” of Jesus.
“I didn’t even really know how to pray…Part of it was that I felt myself to be presuming God’s favor in our new relationship. I thought to myself: Yeah, right, I reject Him so long ago, and then, after forty years of not just ignoring Him but trashing Him in my writings, I’m suddenly back and talking to Hi as though nothing had interrupted our relationship, syaing “How ya doing, God? Haven’t seen you in a while..what up? Everything cool?…”
“And now here I was trying to speak to God whom I had marginalized and mocked and lampooned. How do you approach someone to whom you’ve done that? I didn’t know what to say, so one of the first things I said was ‘I’m sorry. I’ve acted like a colossal A-hole. I’m really, really sorry. I don’t deserve to be forgiven, but please try to forgive me.”
“I have a theory that all addiction is, at bottom, a search for God. Think about it: the blackout–a crude form of mystical union; the willingness to sacrifice reputation, family, money, health, one’s very life–a twisted martyrdom. Sometimes I think anyone as drawn as I am to suffering would have to become a Catholic,” King writes.
“Maybe God uses even our illnesses, our compulsions, the defects we can’t fix no matter how hard we try, for the greater good. As for the wounds other people inflict upon us–maybe he uses those most of all.”
King reminds us that “when Christ appeared to his disciples after the Resurrection, he still bore the wounds. One of the things this seems to say is that our suffering counts.”
King articulated the spiritual dimenson of addiction perfectly.
I am still in a quantry if Catholics are drawn to suffering or if we are just accustomed to it; thanks to ever-present crucifixes, tales of saints meeting grusome ends with praise, not screams; and scary stories of the eternal torment and pain of Hell or Purgatory if saving grace slips through our fingers.
Suffering can make us compassionate, but it can also make us cruel and manipulative. Some sufferers use their suffering to lash out at the world and cause pain to other people, especially those close to them.
I am intrigued by her statement that Christ’s wounds survived the Resurrection. Perhaps our wounds help define who we are, both in this world and the next. What comes in through them, as well as what goes out of us.
Dan Barry is a reporter for the NY Times. His regular columns included “About New York” and “This Land.” His book, Pull Me Up, is a memoir of growing up an an Irish-American family in Long Island, and his struggle as an adult with cancer.
Barry wrote a wonderful article for the Times that appeared just before Pope Benedict’s visit. “The View from My Pew” beautifully articulates what many American Catholics feel about their faith and themselves. I especially loved his description of himself as “the classic stumbling, grumbling, trying-to-sort-it-all-out American Catholic.”
William F. Buckley, Jr., founder of National Review magazine, and a driving force in the rise of conservative politics in the post-war era, had his memorial service at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York on April 4th. The recessional piece, Bach’s Brandenburg Concerto No. 2 in F Major, was also the theme for “Firing Line,” Buckley’s long-running syndicated television show. All 2,200 seats in St. Patrick’s were filled. His memorial, announced weeks in advance, was open to the public.
Politically, Buckley described himself as a “conservative controversialist.” But unlike some of his right-wing heirs, he did not interrupt his political opponents. Rather, he gave them time to articulate their positions during his debates. And Buckley’s provocative remarks were mostly ameliorated by humor, elegant diction, and a mischevious smile.
During one memorable encounter on ABC with Gore Vidal, however, Buckley lost his temper – responding with a homophobic slur and threatening to sock Vidal in the face when the author called him a “cryto-Nazi.”
The two never made up, and Vidal kept throwing darts at Buckley and his politics.
“Granted, Buckley’s brand of conservatism, especially in the early years, had its ugly side,” Hendrik Hertzberg wrote recently for the New Yorker. “He embraced (Sen. Joseph) McCarthy and McCarthyism. He conflated liberalism and communism. He dismissed the civil rights movement….But he did his best to purge the right of anti-Semitism, overt racism, xenophobia, philistinism and anti-intellectualism.”
Here’s my take: I liked Bill Buckley the way I liked John Cardinal O’Connor. I liked them for their character, and the fact they were multi-dimensional human beings with a sense of humor. What I also appreciated about them was their graciousness. They spoke with irony (how could they not…they were Irish), but without any meanness.
There is a quality of meanness in many conservative Catholic bloggers that is a big turn-off. If you express a differing opinion from the Magisterium and/or Republican Party, you get bulls-eye’d–not engaged as a fellow human being. Particularly spiteful posts are often accompanied by a vultures’ chorus of “Blessed Mother protect us” type of sentiments, or heart-felt wishes the Pope will whack the hell of whatever miscreant(s) are getting kicked. Folks, what happened to the Gospel?
For the other side, offer an opinion that can be perceived as one millimeter over the line of political-correctness, and you will find yourself frozen in intellectual and social Siberia. Forever. Folks, the mind and the spirit need to be free to roam. Creative solutions don’t come from lockstep views.
What happened to just having a discussion? You can be passionate; you can get heated, but is it necessary to have contempt when you disagree?
Buckley spoke in sentences, not platitudes. He is a good role model for every Catholic that takes up the pen, and values a good “turn of the phrase.”
