Dead Tired

Posted by Censor Librorum on Nov 7, 2006 | Categories: Lesbian in a Catholic Sort of Way

I am dead tired. I am so tired it seems hard to raise my head to the calendar, only to see Thanksgiving fast approaching. After that begins the Christmas season of cards, cooking, decoration and traffic. Each year I run the Christmas marathon and wonder how I’m going to make it all the way to the end.

I sat in church this past weekend feeling only semi-attentive. I was too worn out even to form the words for a prayer in my mind. I sat there like a grateful lump amidst the praying and singing around me.

How do you pray when you’re too tired or too discouraged even to make the attempt? That’s where I was. The cantor started the congregation off on singing, “Only a Shadow.” It is a hymn that always makes me think of–and miss–St. Andrew’s in Brooklyn. I first heard it, and really felt it, there.

“The love I have for you, my Lord, is only a shadow of your love for me, only a shadow of your love for me; your deep, abiding love. My own belief in you, my Lord, is only a shadow of your faith in me, only a shadow of your faith in me; your deep and lasting faith.” And it goes on…a simple but beautiful hymn.

The shadow of myself sang along, felt sad but uplifted, and here it is Tuesday and I can’t get the words or melody out of my mind. I guess it must be my prayer for now.

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2 Responses to “Dead Tired”

  1. Jordan Says:

    Some suggestions from another person with a disability. I feel the way you feel every day after a full day of work. I never go shopping unless I have a day off. I use catalogs or the internet. Ditto for gifts.(her birthday gife is a subscription to the ballet.) My partner buys the grocerys-she prefers organic. When we have a big purchase we use Fresh Direct. We don’t decorate-but we celebrate Hanukah and it doesn’t take much to put up a menorah. Traffic is always a problem, but I take the bus to work and always take a cab home. It’s a disabilaty related expense on my taxes. Have as much delivered as possible. Buy prepared food.

  2. Anonymous Says:

    Jordan, Thank you for your kindness in giving me some time-savers. I commute by train, and I cannot change that for now. But as I leave the city living behind and spent more time in the country and the outdoors, I find the pace and way of life more to my liking, and really, who I am. Come Advent, I have decided to work less and spend the time instead enjoying all things about Christmas that I have missed in my rushing around. Be well, and I hope you feel better. Karen

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